2025-12-02: Bouquets and Bowed Queers
- Log: Bouquets and Bowed Queers
- Cast: Tsubasa Seki, Character Name
- Where: Kawase Household, Iwatodai
- OOC Date: 2025-12-02
- IC Date: Sun, Aug 19 2012
- Summary: Tsubasa comes back home after disappearing to do whatever it is they do. They brought Ichika back a bouquet to cheer her up, which touches her, because few of her partners thought to give her gifts like that. But when Tsubasa admits that they don't want to get up to anything intimate tonight for their sake rather than just hers, Ichika presses into their feelings, and learns that Hajime had a line he wouldn't cross in the real world, not just in the truth of his Shadow: he was fine with guilt, but he wasn't a rapist by force. It's something that can still mix them up, even now, reflecting on his own strain of domestic violence.
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
Tsubasa's been Out. Out where? Don't worry about it.
Anyway, they get back in, later in the evening, bringing something back in with them. Luckily, Mrs. Ichika's Mom lent them a key, so they're not stymied by the Kawase parents having a date night. (An entirely baffling thing which Tsubasa still doesn't comprehend.)
What they're holding is... a very DIY bouquet. Nothing from Rafflesia; very deliberately not from Rafflesia, and not just because it's pricey to get a nice bouquet. Some white roses, lavender, black dahlias and tiger lilies are arranged together with NO regard for colour coordination, all bound up in some pink paper of the sort one might buy from a stationary shop and a ribbon of the same pedigree.
"Ichika?" They call, with a light knock at her door, when they don't find her in the loungeroom or kitchen. "You up...?"
It's not that late, but, well, they can't rule out Ichika sleeping super early on a day like this...
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
Ichika has been In. She managed to hang out in the living room for a while, but hasn't been interested in leaving the house today. Just now, she's back in her room, having gone to lay down a bit after a nice conversation (well, nice at first) with her sister. In her room, now the incense box is set down next to her potted cactus. And Ichika is on the bed. She is awake, though.
"Mm?" she starts, then, "Yes, second."
You know it's bad when she cleans up her language.
A few moments later, Ichika opens the door, dressed in cargo pants and a tanktop, without her makeup.
And she sees the flowers.
"!" It's practically visible over her head with how surprised she is to see them.
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
"Uh -- I-I -- got ya this," Tsubasa says, thrusting the makeshift bouquet out, and she may be able to see the argument their hand lost with the thorns on that rose as they do it. (Luckily, it's not that bad, because they just had to hold them steady to cut the stems with their knife, but they sure as hell don't carry gardening gloves on them.)
"Don't know what it means or nothin', I ain't Jun-kun, jus'..." Tsubasa rubs at the back of their neck, with their free hand. "Uh, thought ya might... like somethin' after the shit day ya had..."
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
"You--" Ichika's eyes light up. It might've been obvious to some people that it was for her, but she had to have it confirmed. And she does see the way their hand is a little hurt but--
But--
"Oh, they're beautiful," Ichika answers, because how long has it been since someone got her flowers? She reaches out and takes the bouquet in both hands, cradling it close.
"I--"
She actually smiles. "...Yeah," she says, "I kinda would..."
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
Tsubasa smiles -- see, they actually can do it -- when they find the lightswitch behind Ichika's eyes, which was, like, only kind of calculated, the fact that Ichika actually is a girly girl who likes horses and shit doesn't necessarily mean she likes flowers and she might not have wanted flowers now and...
Anyway, Tsubasa thinks, shut up, brain, she likes it, you lose.
"Cool," they say, shifting from one foot to another.
Okay, Tsubasa thinks, stop shutting up, brain, you came up with SOMETHING while you were jumping over people's fences to steal their flowers and I have no idea what I'm doing?!
"Hey, uh..." They start, a touch awkwardly. "Look, it's -- I ain't gonna tell you yer business or nothin', but -- I don't never feel no dirtier 'round you. Like -- kinda the opposite, really?" They rub at their arm, taking a keen interest in the carpet beside her. "An' like -- you know I'm lookin' to you -- you got a way better sense a what's worth doin', what we oughta do, you like, balance me out... that ain't... that ain't shit I'd call stupid. S-so... so, uh... try an' be nice to my girlfriend, okay? I--I love her an' she's goin' through some real shit right now."
Tsubasa pauses a moment. "Uh. That's you," they add. "I'm talkin' 'bout you in th' third person so you can get out a ya head an' cut yaself a break maybe."
Dear God, brain, Tsubasa thinks, why would you cook it this bad. They've gotta figure out how to make those smoke bombs from Udonto so they can just get out of social situations when they fall on their face like this --
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
They can! And it makes Ichika happier!
She does like it.
"Tsubasa..." It's awkward, sure. But Ichika's charmed by awkward. She listens, her eyes on Tsubasa, as they explain. "Oh, that's..."
Be nice.
"I'll try," she says quietly. Then, "Yeah. Um, yeah. I got it."
"...Come in, OK?" Ichika asks, and steps out of the way so that they can. "You..."
"I still feel... the way I feel," she says. "But it makes me happy that that doesn't drive you off. So I'll go easy, OK?"
"And these are wonderful..."
She doesn't actually know flowers that well, so 'meaning' doesn't really much occur to her.
"Hardly anybody gets me flowers..."
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
"C--cool," Tsubasa says, and steps inside when Ichika lets them in.
(The stammering is NOT cool though so it would be neat if they could stop choking on what they were saying. ... yeah, Tsubasa's completely missed the fact that Ichika's into it, they're too scared of messing this up.)
"It don't," they say, just kind of standing there in her room. "It didn't, uh -- jus' didn't wanna show you some ugly shit a me own. I weren't... doin' a runner 'cuz I couldn't handle you or nothin', like... fuck, man, it's me worryin' whether I'm too much, not really the other way 'round?"
Still, they smile, again, because the flowers are wonderful. "Uh, they don't? They oughta," they insist, making a mental note to text Ryuji about this horrible failure when they get a minute. That minute won't be right now, though, because they're focused on Ichika. "I-I dunno, I thought the black ones were totally your look, but like, then I found some roses, man, like, duh... then the purple ones just smelled nice or whatever, an' the orange ones looked cool?"
There, those are flower meanings. That's probably how hanakotoba works.
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
Oh it's terribly uncool, but Ichika doesn't actually care that much about 'cool'. It's fine!
"I don't mind," Ichika assures Tsubasa. "...But thanks. I needed some time on my own anyway. ...But you're not too much for me, OK?"
She smiles too. Because of the flowers! And Ryuji can be given some slack because things are pretty new there, but if they happen to conspire she'll be happier about that. "Mm-mm. I was mostly just hooking up before. You don't really get flowers for a girl you're just having benefits with, you know?" As in, 'friends with'. "But these are... Oh, you picked them out yourself?" she asks.
"Well, I really like them. I'm gonna put them in something later, OK?"
Mrs. Ichika's Mom probably won't scold Tsubasa if she recognizes where they came from. Probably.
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
Tsubasa cares about cool, but, well, they care about Ichika more, so it's fine.
"Okay," Tsubasa nods. "You, uh -- need more time, or...?" At first they think that she wouldn't have invited them in if she still wanted to be alone, and then they think that maybe she just has the automatic reaction to invite a guy she's seeing in, and -- oh, yep, there goes their brain, goodbye Tsubasa's thoughts, they're running off into the distance at a hundred miles an hour.
Tsubasa is totally not above conspiring, though, as it happens.
"That sucks," Tsubasa says, rubbing at the back of their neck again. "Like, yeah, maybe it's casual, but you're still a girl... and it don't seem weird to get a friend flowers if you sleepin' with them? Uh, 'less there's somethin' I'm missin'..." Maybe it's a dire insult to get a friend with benefits a romantic gift, but given how Ichika said she felt about the interplay of romance and physical intimacy...
"But, uh -- yeah," they add, with a little shrug of their shoulders as they glance away a moment. "Ain't... much fer flower shops." That's not it, but what it is isn't something they want to put on Ichika's plate when it's already overfull. "Anyway, it's, like... it's cool when shit's done by hand, or whatever...?"
Tsubasa smiles, again, as they look back to Ichika. "Cool. Glad ya like 'em."
The black Dahlias definitely come from one of the women Mrs. Ichika's Mom plays bridge with, she's like the only person in the neighbourhood who's managed to grow a good batch, it's not subtle. Luckily, they hide a craft knife on their person, so they were actually able to cut the stems of those things in a reasonably clean fashion instead of ripping half the plants up trying to pick them with their hands...
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
"No," Ichika says. "I'm OK." There goes their brain... But they shouldn't need it too much at the moment. Well, probably not.
"Yeah," Ichika agrees. "Seikun still got me flowers sometimes. He made it all like a real date, you know? He was great like that. But then, he likes girly stuff, so..." It might make more sense for him. She considers that though. "It doesn't seem weird to me, either, though."
Still, flower shops... Oh. "Well, I like that you did it by hand. It's really nice when something like that's like, personal, right?"
She smiles back. "I do! I really do."
It's definitely going to be a question later. ...But that's later! Right now...
"Um, does that mean... you're feeling any better, yourself?" she wonders.
"I'd really like it if you could stay with me for a while..."
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
"Cool," Tsubasa smiles, when Ichika says she's okay. Tsubasa's still going to worry, but maybe they can rein their brain in to like... eighty miles an hour? Seventy? Seventy-five.
"He did? Well, 'least he was thinkin' of ya like that," Tsubasa nods. "You shouldn't have to feel different to other girls jus' 'cuz a how ya did shit. Anyway, even if that were 'cuz it was casual, now ya like... seein' us, y'know, we oughta get a shit to make ya feel special, ain't that jus' how it normally works?"
Tsubasa does not really know how it normally works because this is the first time they've dated anyone since realising they're not a girl, you've got to grade them on a curve here, they're DOING THEIR BEST.
"Cool you like it, tho'," Tsubasa smiles. "Didn't really know what I was doin', but I was, like... like, Ichika likes girly shit, flowers are girly shit, so prolly Ichika'd like flowers too...? Y'know, thinkin' like that... also, uh, I saw those black flowers when I was runnin' around an' jus' thought they were your vibe, so I jus', like... did it."
Did Umie's Chariot-ness rub off on them? Well, maybe, but the answer is actually that Tsubasa is a teenager and their ability to evaluate risk and reward is still developing. That's right: every teenager has a Chariot inside of them.
"Ah... yeah, a bit," Tsubasa shrugs a shoulder. "Jus' had to work some shit out, uh... an' I warned that girl you mentioned, uh, th' one what's also gettin' stood over by th' conspiracy. Since -- like -- uh, we all know each other, there's like a mixer every third Sunday, whatever." That's probably not the story, but Tsubasa's trying to protect her identity, clearly.
"But I can stay," Tsubasa smiles, reaching over to rest a hand on Ichika's shoulder instead. "Jus'... I ain't up to foolin' around today, like, meself, but like... I can be here."
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
Seventy-five! That's good.
"...Thanks," Ichika says to Tsubasa about how she shouldn't have to feel different. "I... appreciate that even more right now, you know? ...It's... yeah."
"Yeah, that's how it's supposed to work."
"Haha. Good thinking," she says. "I really like girly stuff. And I love the black ones! They're so cool! Like, you never see flowers like that..."
But, a bit better. that's a start. "Oh, did you?" she asks. "Glad you could figure out who she was." They all know each other... Ichika isn't sure that's true, but, "Cool. Long as it happened."
She smiles back, and then nods. There's only a brief hesitation before, "...Honestly, me either. Kinda makes me a little nauseous, the idea right now..."
"But not as much as it did earlier. I should be OK tomorrow. I just... need time."
She moves to the bed, to take a seat.
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
"I wanna do shit like that for ya," Tsubasa affirms, of the gifts Ichika isn't all that used to receiving.
And the flowers!! "Yeah, like... I really like ya lipstick an' ya nails, ya know? They're so strikin'..." Which is why they thought of the black flowers, clearly. Because they appreciated things about Ichika...
"Uh -- yeah, it happened," Tsubasa nods. "Jus' -- not sure she wants to get named like, in this context, uh... she's like, as paranoid as I am, I reckon. Ain't like I can blame her none."
Tsubasa squeezes her shoulder, supportively, though they don't immediately move in. And that might make more sense as they say, "... I been thinkin' 'bout him."
... they were partnered up with that awful boy, even if it was only for a few months, after all. They're just reluctant to fill in the blanks.
Tsubasa moves to the bed, too; they sit beside her, but they leave a hand's distance to let her decide the level of contact she wants, right now. "... it's okay," they say, looking over to her. "Even if you ain't okay tomorrow. Like, I hope you'll be okay, 'cuz I don't want you feelin' like shit, but... it's some mad shit, man. Sometimes it's jus'... like that."
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
"Thank you..."
Ichika could use stuff that makes her feel special, frankly. She hasn't, for the last day or so, at all. But, "You really think so?" Ichika puts on a dumb little smile, just slightly goofy. "I'm happy. I want to stand out, you know? I mean, I do that stuff mostly for me, but..."
"It's nice, to be seen."
But it happened, and, "OK. That's cool," Ichika says. "I don't blame her either. You don't have to tell me or anything."
That does make more sense, when Tsubasa starts talking.
Ichika leaves that hand's distance at first. "Okay..."
"Thanks," she says. "I think I get it. It is. And I can't... do what I'd usually do, to distract myself. But I think that's better. That shouldn't be something I do just to stop thinking about anything else. ...It's not fair."
Ichika leans over and, if Tsubasa allows her, hugs them from the side, leaning heavily on them.
"Do you want to tell me more?" About thinking. About him.
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
"That's why it's cool. You go against the grain an' shit. You darin' people to have a problem with you wearin' shit which ain't standard. Lettin' th' world know you're dangerous," and no wonder they'd appreciate that, with their cyan and white makeup which may as well be warpaint. ... it might be bit smudged below their eyes, and maybe that's because they've been out all evening. "An' it looks good on ya, like... y'know?"
They nod, when Ichika accepts Umie's anonymity. And so, when they sit --
"It's hard to quit doin' anythin'," Tsubasa points out, "'specially if it was keepin' ya together. But... yeah, man, I'd be bothered. Had like, a whole lotta months not doin' nothin' like that 'cuz I was worried 'bout ya... an' keepin' that shit in my head's not anythin' I'm lookin' to quit real soon. Y'know? I don't, like... wanna help ya self-destruct to cope with this shit."
Tsubasa does open their arm up when Ichika leans over, though, to scoop her up into a one-armed embrace.
"Ah... man, it's jus'..." Tsubasa starts, and looks down at their free hand.
"... you said, like... he didn't know 'bout the traffickin', right? Since he didn't believe that fuck Eiji were goin' that far. An' I, jus'... I was thinkin'..."
You would think, for how much Tsubasa thinks, they would be better at voicing those thoughts -- but no. They fall silent, for a moment, before they manage to go on. "He'd get pretty mad when I didn't wanna fool around none... sayin' he weren't a rapist, so it was real unkind a me to be a frigid... y'know." Fill in the blank. "An', like -- he was right -- he never forced me or nothin'. Did, like... say I had to go see th' doctor, get my, uh, shit sorted out, like there was a difference between patience and abstinence... an' he did, kinda... y'know, sometimes I had to make shit up to him, or... y'know. But he never crossed that line..."
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
Ichika knows how Tsubasa is about 'warning' looks. "Mm!" she agrees. "...Yeah. Like... I used to do it just because it looked nice, or because it was expected, or to make Eiji like me more... But now I do it for me. If guys like it, great--but that's not why." She grins. "Cool. Thanks."
But Tsubasa points it out. "...Yeah," she says. "I think that's what it would be, too..." She sighs. "Sucks that I can't just do whatever I feel like and have it not blow up in my face."
But it would blow up. She's sure of that, too.
"Mm-hm," Ichika answers. "He didn't."
But even so...
"Ah. Yeah." So he'd get mad... "...Eiji did that sometimes," Ichika admits. "If I wasn't feeling it, he'd say I was being mean..."
A shake of her head. "But like--"
Had to see the doctor. Had to get 'fixed', he could fuck them, more like. Ichika's lip curls.
"OK," Ichika says. "So he wasn't a rapist. That's cool."
She pauses, and looks up to Tsubasa's face. "Still an asshole, though. He wasn't as bad as he could've been, sure. Doesn't mean he was good to you. Doesn't mean he deserves credit for not being worse when he was already bad."
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
"Sweet," Tsubasa grins, for a moment, when Ichika talks about her looks. They think it's good that she's looking good for herself, clearly.
"Sometimes it's like that," they sympathise with her, when she speaks instead of the bomb of her decisions. "But I wanna be with ya when you wanna be with me, not, like... when you jus' wanna not be where you at. I seen how it fucks you up, y'know...?"
They're not sure they could blame Ichika if she went out and hit up one of her old boyfriends, but... it's just not something they feel good enabling.
Tsubasa hugs Ichika a little tighter, when their sad thoughts bring up Eiji for her. And it's hard for them to talk about exactly what they'd need a doctor for -- but it also might not be too difficult to guess.
... they wonder, sometimes, whether the only reason they don't have a story like Ichika's is their own disfigurement. They've thought about how much of a toll it would take on them, at least, judging by the things they were able to tell her mother.
Tsubasa's brow is knit, when they look to Ichika, lips pressed tightly together. "I know -- like -- he's a piece a shit. Jus'... I was thinkin', like, maybe I were too... it's not like I weren't hard to deal with back then, neither? Like I trashed him as a shithead like his buddy, but -- what if it's more complicated, man? I weren't even the one to reckon I should break up with him, order came in from me old Boss..."
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
Ichika gets it. "Right... That makes sense. I think it'd be unfair to you, otherwise." She pauses. "...Yeah... Especially--especially after..." Well, earlier. How she was feeling. She shakes her head. "But that's not how I'm doing it these days."
Maybe Tsubasa wouldn't blame them--but Ichika made commitments, so she'd blame herself.
Ichika can guess what they'd need the doctor for, and she isn't going to make Tsubasa say it out loud, either. And maybe that's the difference and why, but...
Maybe not, too.
What if it's more complicated...?
"I--" The old Boss. "...Mm. Yeah. You never got to decide for yourself, huh?" she asks.
That's important.
"Well, I know what I think," she says. "And I guess I know what he thinks. But I'm not gonna tell you what to feel. I just think..."
"The fact that he could be worse doesn't make him good for you. That's what I think. ...If you wanted a guy of your own--or even another girl--I could be OK with that. But just like you don't want me getting with you just to be somewhere else... I don't think you should get with somebody because you feel like you should."
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
"Cool. That's good," Tsubasa goes outside their usual affirmative response macros, just so Ichika knows they're not just saying they approve of the changes she's making.
Tsubasa shrugs their free shoulder, and they lean into Ichika a little, when she points out how they never got to make the call. "It was the right decision," they say, but they're a bit downcast about it.
"You're right," they say, in turn, as they close their eyes. "It's just... I was jus' thinkin', was I missin' cries for help that whole time? Like... what if he'd only jus' met that fuck Eiji at that point, an' if I'd figured out... anythin', I coulda..."
They're wrong, of course; Ichika's heard about what he did to Haruna, and how his relationship with Kyoko's underling directly set him up to take advantage of Tsubasa when it ended. But coulda, woulda, shoulda, Tsubasa's found a reason for the fault to lie with their own thoughtlessness, and they've always fallen right into that trap.
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
Ichika smiles, but it's faint and brief. It's still hard not to do what she was doing.
"Mm." The right decision, but...
"...No," Ichika says. "I heard him. He bragged about how he did the same kind of shit to Tachibana. He was like that before you, and he's still like that now. He's like that because of his own choices." She stops and then, "It's stuff about his mom, I guess. Nothing you could've changed or fixed. It's her I feel bad for more than him."
"...You don't have to help somebody who's shit to you," Ichika says. "It's not your responsibility to stand in the fire because somebody else is cold, right?"
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
"You're right," Tsubasa says, their voice tightening. "You're right. Jus' --"
Their head bows forward; their eyes squeeze shut. "He touched me. He-- said he loved me." That he was the only person who could love someone as ugly as them. "An' then he happened to you, an'... fuckin' sucks, but... but I can't do nothin', an'... an' then I got to thinkin', like, th' last stuff ya said..."
Tsubasa lifts their free hand, to bury their face in it. "I dunno," they say, roughly. "I'm -- mixed up. Like -- like -- I always got. Like the two things don't fit, it's supposed to make sense, like..."
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
Ichika is sure she's right--but she's sure that's not the point, too.
"...It's hard," Ichika says. "Somebody touches you, says he loves you... You believe it. And then he turns around and hurts you. I don't understand it. I don't know how those two things can both be true."
Ichika hugs Tsubasa tighter, trying to be soothing with a hand along their arm. "Hey..."
"It's OK to be mixed up. It doesn't make sense. And we just have to... live with that, I guess."
"I don't know. But I'm here to sit through it with you."
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
"He was right 'bout me," Tsubasa says, but quietly. "He knew... everythin' 'bout me."
All those hurtful things Shadow Hajime spat like venom...
... none of them Tsubasa could deny.
"It's jus' -- normal, man -- it's so fuckin' normal, like... this shit, that's what's weird -- an' I'm jus' as bad, jus' as fuckin' paranoid as he is, I hit him too, fuck --"
They should leave, they think, if they're really so concerned for Ichika's safety, before they poison her.
... but they're at least not so deep in their own horror that they can't see how it rhymes, so they turn their face into her shoulder and wrap their arm about her midsection, instead.
"Ichika," Tsubasa whimpers, into her skin.
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
"Tsubasa..."
She wants to argue. But that's not what she should do, right now, she thinks. She knows at least one thing isn't true, but she wants to say that... Maybe not yet. Maybe later, when they can listen better.
"I love you," she says instead, because that says it right there. No one else could? She can.
"...I do."
She holds Tsubasa for a while, and it helps her, too.
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
Asking for help is impossible; Tsubasa gets about as far as her name. But Ichika understands, anyway.
They draw ragged breath when she says she loves them, and hold onto her a little tighter. "I-- I love you," they manage to reply, though it's fighting through a minefield of the words being used as expectation and bludgeon. Here -- here it's different, here -- it isn't assuring dangerous men they've gotten away with it.
Tsubasa wasn't wrong when they claimed to not be fond of the sound of their own voice, though. Given the choice to just exist with Ichika, they take it, and hungrily; they have no words to solve for this problem, and maybe it's best said like this, anyway.
By being here with them.