2025-12-12: They Couldn't Wait To Leave
- Log: They Couldn't Wait To Leave
- Cast: Tsubasa Seki, Ichika Kawase
- Where: Kawase household, Iwatodai
- OOC Date: 2025-12-12
- IC Date: Very Technically Sat, Aug 25 2012, Like We're Talkin' 12:30am Or Some Shit
- Summary: Tsubasa and Ichika get ready for bed, the day before they're set to steal the Treasure from Eiji's Palace... but Tsubasa's had a much worse day-before than Ichika, and after a whole day of keeping a lid on it, they finally crack and share their own wounded feelings over Myunghon's attempted suicide and the Joker Killer's attack with her. They say they don't need parents... but if that's true, why would they be looking back at their family of origin now?
- Content warning: Discussion of suicide
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
After the Joker Killer attacked Maria and her ex, once they'd gotten clear...
... Ren did not give up on getting that birthday food to Tsubasa, as much as Tsubasa tried to say that the universe was leaving them "pre' fuckin' clear signs, Amamiya-chan." No: they made sure they got them something nice to eat. (Some objectively cool boba tea, karaage, and little cakes, which Ren made sure to buy extra of for later. ... as much as Tsubasa was defeatist over not needing to do anything like this, too, it's pretty obvious that it means a lot to them how Ren wasn't so easily frustrated.) And they even let them crash at Leblanc for a nap before they headed back to Port Island, which also just so happened to put Leblanc on Tsubasa's personal map. (Getting shown a route through Yongen-Jaya is a secret tool that will help them later, given they never managed to shake that nasty cough.)
They got their gear together with Ichika, and once the Dark Hour struck, they joined forces with Yusuke to paint the Back Alleys red -- and white, and black -- with all the force of their Calling Card, a force amplified by the dozens upon dozens of cards they leave leading people back here to witness it.
Now, though -- now they're back home, and they've followed Ichika back to her room, having changed into their sleeping tank and shorts. (And out of their binder. Are their ribs a bit bruised? No they're not. They're fine.)
"Hey..." Tsubasa starts, a hand to her arm. Their brow knits, and they glance away, taking a deep breath --
-- only to turn aside as they start coughing again. They were being wracked with the displeasure of their lungs all through the Dark Hour; they're still having trouble, now. Their curled fist drops, as they say, a touch uncomfortable: "Sorry. Uh... anyway, you... you ready for tomorrow, Ichika?"
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
Ichika had a better day, frankly; getting to talk to Vesper was good, and getting to talk to Hibari was also good. Other than that, Ichika mostly just kept herself on track. She was getting ready to be ready...
And that meant she had her gear together when it was time for the Dark Hour. Ichika ws part of putting down the Calling Cards, which was a frankly incredible experience.
Now..
Now they're home. Home, and knowing what awaits tomorrow.
Ichika has just closed the door behind Tsubasa, and when she feels their hand on her arm, she turns towards them again. "Hey--"
She cuts off at the coughing, frowning as she looks them over. "'Anyway'," Ichika repeats, but it is more a repudiation of the idea than an agreement, because Ichika starts fussing immediately. "We can talk about that in a minute. Are you OK?" she asks, and hovers over Tsubasa as she starts to guide them towards the bed. "Come on, sit down."
Ichika, for her part, is still restless anyway.
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
"I-- I'm cool..." Tsubasa says, though it's a touch chastised, because they can see she's worried. "I-- I mean, like, I ain't -- super poisoned or nothin', were jus' some fumes... lungs're jus' shit, that's all..."
Ichika is able to steer them to the bed, anyway; they slip their house slippers off, when they're seated there, to avoid getting her sheets dirty if they put their feet up.
"It's cool," they repeat again. "Jus'... today sucked. Nothin' to do with that prick, jus'... other shit. Uh... hey..." They try again, their hand grasping at their own wrist. "... can I... sleep here tonight? N--not like that, or nothin', jus'..."
They look down, at their hand.
"... I mean, it's cool if you don't wanna," they hedge, instead. "Ain't puttin' no pressure down, like, either way's cool... jus' nice to see ya tonight anyway," they look up to her again, and they're thinking, in their head, that this is the part where they smile to reassure her, except they just can't do it.
Well, it's fine. That's normal. They're not a very smiley person. They're being very normal about it.
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
"..." Ichika frowns a little more, but Tsubasa explains. She does not relent at the first 'it's cool'. However, the talk about how today sucked...
Ichika pauses, before saying anything else. Tsubasa is asking, and...
"Yeah," Ichika answers softly, reaching out to take Tsubasa's hand from where she's still standing by the bed. "Yeah, you can sleep here tonight."
She knows it isn't 'like that'--not today, anyway. She couldn't do it like that right now, anyway.
But, "I'm happy to have you here," she continues. "...You wanna talk about today?" she wonders.
"I mean, I'm glad you're not super poisoned or whatever, but..."
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
Tsubasa bites at their bottom lip, clasping her hand in both of theirs, though they make no move to urge her closer. "T--thanks."
They couldn't do it like that right now, either. They might have told Myunghon that, while they were sharing so much, but...
It doesn't matter.
Something about Ichika's assurances ache -- as surely as Ren's determination did. They really... don't deserve it. They --
Tsubasa looks quite miserable, silent for a long minute as they look down again. Then they take a breath, and swallow it down, and --
and --
she'll worry, won't she.
"... it's pretty heavy stuff," Tsubasa mumbles, to the floor. "You sure you wanna hear about that when we got so much to do tomorrow...? I'll really... be okay, if I can just be here..."
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
"Yeah," Ichika says to 'thanks'. But Ichika watches Tsubasa and lets that silence sit for a little while. She will absolutely worry. ...But she would anyway.
Ichika thinks about it. She's not really thinking whether she's going to listen, of course--just what to actually say about the fact that she obviously will. And in the end, she decides to move to sit down next to Tsubasa. "Yeah, I'm sure," Ichika answers.
To her, it's a foregone conclusion; the idea that Tsubasa would just 'be okay' is a non-starter.
"Tell me about it."
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
Tsubasa glances beside them, when Ichika sits down -- looks to her side -- thinks about it; and then doesn't, just holding onto her hand for dear life, instead.
They're... so afraid.
"Yeo-sama tried to kill themself today," Tsubasa relates, and their tone remains stoic, because they can't just unpack all that at once. They can't feel it. There's ice in their chest at the certainty of their abandonment. "Mixed up a bunch a toilet cleaner an' bleach... but then I guess some guy came to them bleedin' out, so they worried 'bout helpin' them. That meant more bleach to clean th' blood up... couldn't breathe in there no more. So I got 'em outside, called their doctor... told her what was goin' on. Got Yeo-sama to call Big Sis up an' stay with her while the place aired out... then went in an' jammed th' windows open, cleaned th' spills up, all that."
Tsubasa squeezes Ichika's hand. "Went to chill with Amamiya-kun after that. Was gonna be cool. 'Cept th' Joker Killer showed up. Tryin' to kill this girl I know, Maria Sakurai... ripped her a new one for callin' him on her ex an' regrettin' it. Shouldna. I was jus' an asshole. Didn't get he was treatin' her bad. She was relyin' on me... well, didn't even know it were me there. Guess that means in her eyes, I let her down... well, I did anyway. Least Amamiya-kun didn't run out on me after... even tho' I really tried to give him th' excuse." It hurts less when they expect it.
"An'... an' jus'..."
The dull horror of their mother reaching out to them, though, feels too precious to shatter here; the hope that maybe their family does want them, that perhaps they're not as abandoned as they feel, that there might be -- something. Anything.
They don't want to be alone. But they know Ichika won't stand for them debasing themself, like that... and maybe she's right.
But they can't. They can't.
It hurts.
"Jus' all too much," they say, instead, and it isn't entirely a lie.
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
Ichika's hand can take it. She curls her fingers under Tsubasa's.
"..." Ichika looks surprised--and then concerned, at the news. There's too much of that. "That's a lot," Ichika says about having to clean up bloodstains and bleach after seeing a mentor try to kill themself.
But Ren, then. And the Joker Killer. "...It's pretty fucked up to call the Joker Killer," Ichika says, even if it sounds like it turns out this Maria had a good reason. Still, "Nah. Ren-kun's cool like that."
But...
Hrm. There's something..
Ichika asks, "Can I hug you?"
"...It sounds like it's way too much," she agrees. "All that..."
"Sounds like you did your best with a lot of awful stuff thrown at you, to me."
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
"Yeah," Tsubasa agrees, a touch distantly. Again: "... yeah."
"Joker Killer... threatened 'Tsubasa' to me, while we were fightin'. Sayin' how the artist weren't protected. How he could get to 'em before I could. Ain't like that's possible, but... still..."
"Yeah," a small lacuna in the sentence where a 'they' ought to go, "... he is."
Ichika -- asks, though, and Tsubasa swallows again. "Is that okay?" They ask, in a small voice.
They never hugged Myunghon. What if that's the thing that makes them really do it? Just because they were so selfish.
All this time, they've been asking themself questions like that, running it through their head, all the things they did that pushed them to that, all the things they didn't do.
"It's me own damn fault," Tsubasa insists, as they lean into Ichika. "I -- fuck, fuckin' -- begged 'em to look after me, when they was talkin' 'bout it. Lowered myself down, apologised for bein' so worthless... even knowin' all that, they..." Their voice tightens. "But I'm fuckin' stupid," they say, tears springing to their eyes. "They never said they wanted a burden like me. Said 'we'd' be here for me. Who the fuck's 'we'... I was so stupid. I thought -- if somethin' were fucked, maybe -- I'd have someone -- I ain't got no one," they insist, their voice raw. "Can't -- have nothin' like that -- no one's that invested -- shoulda jus' rang me mom..."
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
"He's an asshole," Ichika says of the Joker Killer. And it's an understatement, but it's also true. Ichika, though, when asked if it's okay, puts both of her arms around Tsubasa and holds them close to her. "Hey..."
"It's not your fault," Ichika says, closing her eyes. "And you're not a burden. I can't account for what Yeo-san did. But you're not stupid."
"...There's people who are invested," Ichika says. "I'm not an adult or anything, but I am." Because she gets it; it's not just about her, it's about people who can do things like that. But that...
"You've got others. Others who still care, who can help."
"...But why would you ring your mom?" Ichika wonders.
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
Tsubasa buries themself against Ichika, holding tightly to her. "Y-yeah," they say, their voice quavering, "buh--but it's not th' same, they ain't -- lookin' out for me like -- like -- but it wasn't never like that anyway," they insist, the ice around their throat, now, too, too tight for them to say that they wanted someone to take care of them like their parents clearly weren't. "I'm jus' -- stupid an' desperate an' -- stupid."
They sob, curled into her. "I know -- I know! -- I jus'... you wouldn't get it, your folks are so nice, you don't need nothin' like..." Tsubasa shakes their head, against Ichika. "S--sorry -- sorry -- I don't -- can't be sayin' that --"
They can't be saying how jealous they are. She'll realise how ugly they really are, then; she'll leave them too, then.
Everyone does, according to the black and white logic of their brain, all reduced to dangerous silhouettes. Everyone does!
"They said -- they said -- but I was jus' gone fer three weeks, jus' three weeks I weren't there every day, an' jus' like that it didn't matter, none of it mattered, they forgot about me, I didn't matter, they couldn't wait to leave because it was all too hard and I was too hard!"
Tsubasa wails, and then coughs, and in both noises are they wracked by their grief.
"'Least... at least... maybe if I rang mom... she'd wanna talk to me 'bout whatever... she's my mom, she's gotta give a shit, it's the law or whatever..."
... how wretched a place must Tsubasa be, that they're insisting someone has to care for them because of the law?
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
"...But it was supposed to be," Ichika realizes. "Yeo-sama, and all. They were supposed to be looking out for you. And then they didn't."
She gets it at least to a point; she hugs Tsubasa closer when she says she doesn't need it. "it's OK," Ichika says. "I'm not mad about you sayin' true shit. I didn't need them like you did. Like you do."
She listens. Three weeks...
To 'leave'.
"...They fucked up," Ichika opines. "That's not on you. You aren't too hard. You aren't too much."
"...But your mom's not gonna be the one to give you what you need."
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
"I-I shouldn't be so mean," Tsubasa's voice hitches, again. "They're in pain, an' I'm not helpin' enough, s-so it's my fault anyway, an' now I'm makin' it all about me... stupid!"
... it's hard for Tsubasa to see how vulnerable they are, in this situation. It's always been hard. That's why their pleas to Myunghon spoke about how unwanted they were, how they were no good and quarrelsome, a troublemaker with a bad attitude.
But they didn't want everyone to just give up on them.
They didn't want Myunghon to just give up on them.
And it feels, so strongly, as if they did.
It's part of giving up on life, after all.
"If I just... if I just... they'd take me back, Ichika..."
Tsubasa is scared; it's plain in their voice. Perhaps it's no wonder they're looking for the safety of a sure thing, when their attempts to reach something else seem so futile. It's hard to go out in the world alone. It's hard to stand on your own two feet.
"Fuck," another sob, another wracking cough, "hhrh, huh, I, I uh, I don't... I don't know what I'm sayin'... I'm jus'... sayin' crazy shit."
They take a ragged breath, and look up to Ichika. "Let's... let's lie down... yeah...?"
... it means they have to take their wig off, but at least they can turn the light off in the same gesture. (They're the one who can reach the bedside table more easily.) They let Ichika arrange them without a word of complaint; they're hardly worthy, in their mind, of pushing for anything.
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
"Their pain isn't your fault," Ichika says again, still gently. "You got your own issues. That's OK."
It's hard, but Ichika knows that. She'll do what she can. And as for their parents...
"I don't think you'd be happy like that," Ichika answers quietly. "You'd have to shove yourself down into nothing, so you 'fit' in the box they want you in. ...And I like you like you are."
It's a little selfish to say that, but Ichika doesn't have training in this. She just does what she can.
"It's OK," Ichika says. "You can say it." But... lie down. Ichika takes the back, closer to the wall, where she can tightly wrap arms around Tsubasa. ...That this conveniently gives her someone to hug is not her main reason for doing it; it's because she thinks Tsubasa is the one who needs to be held, now.
"It's OK," Ichika says. "You're with me." She gets under the covers, her bare legs a little chilly before that. %rAnd she squeezes Tsubasa.
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
"But my pain's not their fault," Tsubasa sulks. "They never signed up for nothin'. They got a tonne a issues." If they pretend like the relationship is on equal terms, like they're equally at fault -- like Myunghon never gave them any indication they were safe with them -- it hurts less.
Tsubasa has forgotten how to be a child, let alone anyone's child, and perhaps the weight of the forgetting which both Ichika and Tsubasa have been forced through is no more obvious than here.
"... they'd... never accept what we got, no." Tsubasa sighs, shakily. "... you're right. Y'know? I... it's whatever, man," it's not whatever. "I'm eighteen... gonna be an adult in a couple years, anyway. It's stupid to want someone lookin' out for me at this point. I'll... make it work."
They just...
They don't have the luxury.
They haven't for a while; they were just in denial.
They sink against Ichika, their legs latching in about hers, their head burying beneath her chin. "Thanks... thanks for..." Tsubasa starts, and starts crying again, clutching themself to her tightly.
At some point, they manage to get to, "I love you... okay?" Is that okay? Is it okay if someone like them...
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
"Maybe they do," Ichika says. "But they shouldn't put those on you. It's fucked up to see all that blood. ...It's hard, when you do. No shame in that." She remembers that student, in that Joker killer attack so long ago. But...
"They wouldn't." Ichika paues. "...I dunno about that," she says. "You got adults who are willing to help, at least. Maybe they can't replace your parents.... But that's better than nothing, right? People looking after you? Like that Big Sis Shimizu-san, or my parents."
But they sink in, and Ichika holds them there.
"I love you, too," she says. "So you're damn right it's okay."
"I love you," she says again. "And we're going to be okay."
<Pose Tracker> Tsubasa Seki has posed.
"It's not their fault," Tsubasa insists, again, though some part of them surely realises...
... that if Myunghon contacted Shinobu when they prompted them into it, they could have called her, or any of the other adults they knew for help, long before they stumbled in.
Tsubasa isn't smarter than an adult. They don't hold secret answers Myunghon never knew.
So why... did Tsubasa have to lead them to a solution?
"An' I ain't scared a some blood." It was more than some blood. "I'm harder'n that, man... I'm fuckin' iron. Little fucked up shit... that's nothin'." They're frontin'. They're very clearly frontin'. It's not nothing; it wasn't a little.
But they already feel like they're falling apart, when they tried so hard to keep it together.
"I can't ask 'em to do that much..." Tsubasa's still quite sullen, when Ichika points out all the other adults in their corner; and that has to be a product of their own black-and-white thinking, because they've listed out all the adults on their side in this very house. (They weren't speaking to Ichika; perhaps she'll hear it from her mother, if it's a point of discussion, anyway.) "They ain't my parents or nothin'. But... yeah, I guess. Ain't nothin'." It's just not enough.
Tsubasa squeaks, when Ichika insists it's damn right, a little sound caught in their throat which is at least as relieved as it is laden with grief. They'll be okay...
"Okay," they say, grasping tightly. "... I trust you."
Even after something this awful happened... there are still people they can trust. Not everyone's an adult... and Ren and Ichika both did right by them, today.
"We'll... we'll be okay."
When they hit the Palace, tomorrow, too...