2026-01-27: The First Step
- Log: The First Step
- Cast: Julian Marlowe, Hyousuke Suzuki
- Where: Kasugayama High School
- OOC Date: 2026-01-27
- IC Date: Mon Sep 17 2012
- Summary: Despite bearing no shortage of scepticism and suspicion towards Julian, Hyousuke finds himself desperate enough to seek his help on an intensely personal matter.
<Pose Tracker> Julian Marlowe has posed.
It's always interesting when a new name appears on the counseling roster, especially when they don't appear to have been forced onto it. Though Hyousuke Suzuki is far from an unfamiliar name to Julian. He has already seen enough to draw some general conclusions from attitude on campus, the incidental encounter in private... and combat behavior, not that Hyousuke would be aware he's seen any of that. How could he have? Clearly the English teacher slash counselor is just a regular guy.
Well, a regular foreigner from England, anyway. They all enjoy a tea a lot, have endless patience, and wear monocles over there, right?
Regardless, he is far from prejudiced, and is unwilling to commit to much more than 'easily angered, quick to deflect, some manner of personal concerns likely' without even having had a session yet. And he wouldn't force anyone into one, as eager as some of his co-workers are to make students Not Their Problem with their counseling punishments. All in due time... and time is now due.
Julian's office used to be a storage room at the end of the hall on the ground floor of Kasu High's classroom building. It's a tiny space, with barely enough room for a desk in the back, a small table with two chairs in the center, and an old-fashioned looking chest of drawers off to the side. But at least it cleaned up nicely, after all the trash was disposed of, and Julian redecorated it to have a more pleasant atmosphere. Which means sky blue wallpaper, grass-like carpeting, and the table serving fresh tea for two, with a plate of scones at the ready. Some refer to a counseling session as 'a tea party in the closet', but Julian rarely pays sarcasm any mind.
Julian, already seated at the table, has his usual calm smile on when Hyousuke arrives, quick to indicate the chair opposite from him. "<Mister> Suzuki, welcome. Feel free to help yourself to the refreshments. I have Earl Grey today, perhaps not the most exciting blend but it's a classic for a reason."
After the preamble, he folds his hands together, and starts off in his usual manner. "As this is your first session, allow me to explain what you can expect from me. First and foremost, our topics of discussion can be whatever you like. You do not have to speak of anything you don't wish to, and whatever you do choose to speak of will be kept in strict confidence. I am here to listen and advise, but you are under no obligations whatsoever. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me anything at any time. Though I suppose the best general advice I could give is... don't overthink it. We're just here to have a chat, about whatever is on your mind."
<Pose Tracker> Hyousuke Suzuki has posed.
Hyousuke had chosen to attend a counselling session. That much was clear. His file stated many things, from banal details such as his date of birth and blood type, to more private matters such as the circumstances of his transfer to Kasugayama - but nothing on it indicated that he had been assigned there as some form of punishment. Even asking Muto-sensei - a teacher that Hyousuke worked quite closely with - would have shown that Hyousuke had gone there of his own volition without the idea having even been suggested by another party, save for Ichika's brief suggestion.
Some might have found it odd, then, that he very much looked as though he did not wish to be there. His manner was that of a stray hound's, dragged into a space it was wholly unfamiliar with. His eyes were sharp and focussed, darting from detail to detail before settling upon Julian, as though the counsellor himself might have leapt out and attacked him at any moment. His movements were slow and calculated, his entrance into the converted storage closet almost a trepidatious prowl. His muscles, though not tensed to the point of paralysis, were still tense enough to lend a certain stiffness to his movements.
Had he hackles, it was almost certain that they would have been raised.
Hyousuke gave a slight, affirmative, grunt in acknowledgement of Julian's greeting, even bowing his head just a little by way of greeting in return before shutting the door behind him. He said nothing else, instead watching Julian closely while he sat, only diverting his gaze to examine the refreshments before him. His nose recognised what they were before his eyes did - perhaps even a split second before Julian himself managed to speak of them. The blend was a distinct one, and drew his attention for a heartbeat longer than the other features around the room, while the scones drew a similar sort of attention. He'd not had the pleasure of trying one, but though he might have eagerly taken one in a more casual setting, his primal mannerisms yet persisted. Like a hound offered a cut of meat, there were hints of interest to his actions, but caution reigned.
Then came the explanation. Julian might have told him not to overthink it, but that only seemed to put Hyousuke on edge a little more. Whatever focus the tea might have drawn was erased, directed entirely towards Julian, while his mind began to race through the many possible responses in search of the 'correct' one. There was a stillness in the air as he considered his words, before a voice in his mind rang out above the rest, demanding that he do what he came there for instead of trying to tiptoe around the issue.
Brute force was his way, after all. Why should it not be so with treatment?
Hyousuke drew in a breath, hands clasped to his knees as if to brace for a blow that was not to come. His lips curled, tensed, twitched, and even parted a little, as if a million different words all came to the tip of his tongue before being bitten back. Eventually, he did as he'd steeled himself for, and spoke.
"I need help with my anger."
That statement, curt and vague though it was, had taken a monumental amount of effort. The very act of asking for help almost caused him to retch, and speaking about something so deeply personal as his anger... just finishing the sentence almost made him flinch. "And a friend said you were cool."
<Pose Tracker> Julian Marlowe has posed.
Though opinions on Julian's tea varies (in part because the blend varies by day), there's an easy consensus about the scones. They're Good Scones(tm). So good that some go through the trouble of picking the door's lock to get at them. Julian's fault for leaving them there when he goes out, right? By now many suspect that he's doing this on purpose, but who'd complain about free scones?
But Julian will leave it up to Hyousuke to decide what suits his fancy there. He already had his own cup of tea poured and ready in advance, so as not to distract from the matter at hand, whatever it may turn out to be.
The fact that he's dealing with someone who has no idea what to expect is clear enough. That's fine, a bit of nervousness is to be expected. Or a lot of nervousness, as the case may be. All people respond differently to unfamiliar environments. The reaction is notable, but he's not about to draw any attention to that. Even if observing in silence may draw its own attention, there isn't much but a patient, if perhaps oddly unflinching sort of friendliness to read in that expression.
It is with little effort that he suppresses a chuckle at yet another who visibly overthinks things the moment they're told not to. That too, is fine. He's used to these things taking time. He's here to make whatever time may end up being required available, however many sessions it takes to get at the heart of the matter.
And then Hyousuke immediately gets to the heart of the matter. At least if he was looking to pierce Julian's expression then the effort is rewarded, with an openly surprised raising of the right eyebrow.
"Do you, now?" He's not pretending not to know - that surprise comes from elsewhere, the counselor leaning slightly forward. "That's quite impressive, <Mister> Suzuki. Most who come to attend counseling aren't aware of what their exact issue is, or that there even is an issue, at first. As they say, the first step is realizing there's a problem... so you might say that you are one step ahead already."
The tone is as genuine as Julian intends the statement, as is the look of interest as he leans back in his chair, offering a hand gesture to continue. "By all means then, tell me more about the problematic forms that your anger takes." If Hyousuke wants to continue to be direct. "Or, perhaps it would be easier to start at the beginning, and tell me of the first time you noticed that your anger had become an issue." Which is what he would normally recommend, if he hadn't gotten such a clear sense of Hyousuke's preferences yet. He is free to choose the approach that works for him, in the end.
<Pose Tracker> Hyousuke Suzuki has posed.
The shift in Julian's expression did not go unnoticed, and Hyousuke did not simply brush it aside. His eyes darted in the direction of that cocked brow, instantly beginning to scrutinise it in the hopes of finding some indication of what thoughts ran through Julian's mind. He did not hide the fact that he was suspicious. He did not even try. Just stepping past the threshold had been a Herculean task, but to be shut into such a tight space with a man he did not trust in the slightest? It was little wonder that he was on edge.
Hyousuke's knuckles - the parts that were not still scabbed over from overexertion at the bags or on Shadows - grew pale as his fingers tensed, the colour only returning momentarily when he shifted them into a different, still tense, position. He listened to Julian, and he processed the suggestions as well as anyone in his position might, but another thought plagued his mind. He could not read Julian. Most other teachers in the school had something other than feigned friendliness to examine. Apathy towards their students, a stern disposition, feigned enthusiasm... Kasugayama, in his (relatively short) experience, had a way of wearing people down like that.
Yet Julian's mask - if it even was a mask - remained steadfast, save for that look of surprise.
Even as Julian got down to business, and Hyousuke knew it was his turn to answer, he could not calm his nerves. His eyes raked over Julian's face, trying to find something - anything - that would clue him in on how best to approach the situation. He peered into his eyes, searching for some ulterior motive or some shadowy end goal. He found nothing. It was like staring at a brick wall, no matter how friendly the look he was given was, or how welcoming and easy the tone he was spoken to sounded.
Hyousuke lifted a cup to his lips, taking a sip of Earl Grey. The tea was good, that much he could admit, and he didn't have many suspicions about it either. But he was hardly thirsty at that point in time, despite his marked love of a good brew. It was simply a way for him to stall for time as he tried to figure out what it was he wanted to say, and judging by the length of the sip he took, he needed a good, long, while to figure it out.
"I lashed out at my friends." Hyousuke eventually said. He spoke quietly and tersely, his speech like a short growl from a from a wary mutt. "They were trying to help with something, and I lost it for a moment." He could not speak easily. Each word took effort to speak, as if every one stuck in his throat and had to be forced onto his lips. Another paused filled the air, with him looking down, though whether to think or in shame was unclear. "And I... I don't want to do that to them again. Or my other friends."
The unspoken implication was that he did not wish to quell his fury, only direct it. There were no shortage of enemies, after all, and he still had great need of the strength it lent him.
<Pose Tracker> Julian Marlowe has posed.
It may be a failing that Julian doesn't recognize - or, more accurately, doesn't want to recognize - the signs of mistrust, treating them simply as natural wariness of something unfamiliar. He's not any quicker than usual to take things personally in the context of a counseling session. Why would he, when this is someone who sought him out for assistance without being in any forced to? All that's on his own mind is doing what he can, in the best way he's able. Or the best way as indicated by the student himself, whichever gets the job done better.
Sometimes one cannot recognize what a person has to hide, because they aren't actually hiding the way they truly feel, in the current moment. Not that there is much to go on to be sure of that, since Julian has been nothing but the picture of patience and tolerance, in so far as a teacher can afford such, and rarely talks about himself. That's one thing that he is wary of - though he may have slipped on occasion, counseling sessions are absolutely not supposed to be about him.
He doesn't react at all to being studied. That's fair, he studies everyone he looks at too, without any obvious judgement. He does react to social cues, evidently seeing Hyousuke lifting his tea cup as a sign of it being the proper time to raise his own. A slight raising of the lips as well as the cup as if to say 'cheers', before taking a sip of his own.
And that's all he does. Not a single word to break the silence, until Hyousuke decides he's good and ready to respond.
"Hm," is the only initial response, to Hyousuke's self-assessment. The way he describes it now makes it sound merely like an incident which, while unpleasant, happens to everyone from time to time. But the way he described it earlier made it sound like a structural problem. Seems as if he'll need to poke a little deeper to get to the heart of it. He sets his cup back down, leaving one hand to rest on top of the other.
"I seriously doubt you truly meant any harm, if you're this remorseful about your actions now. You must have good friends, to be this concerned for their sake. I see no reason to doubt that your heart is in the right place, nor to assume that your friends aren't aware of that."
Hyousuke has already implied that much - they are still friends, after what Hyousuke appears to have thought was a terrible incident. Julian thinks that's something to be happy about - no one was ever helped by putting undue focus on the negative.
Just as calmly, he continues, "However, that doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid, of course. How did you feel, when you, as you say, 'lost it for a moment', to make you so remorseful in hindsight?"
<Pose Tracker> Hyousuke Suzuki has posed.
Hyousuke did not verbalise a response to Julian surmising that he had good friends, but the slow and short nod he gave affirmed the idea regardless. He seemed to chew on that thought, rolling it around in his mind and examining it from different angles, looking down when there was a slight lull in the conversation so that he could mull it over without having to deal with the idea that he was being judged. He knew Julian still watched him, of course, but he could at least put it out of his mind for the few seconds the mean was out of his view.
Then the question came, and Hyousuke found he could not look up. He tried, his chin twitching upwards and the muscles in his neck shifting a little with the effort, but he found he simply could not look Julian in the eyes. His fingers tensed again, but did not shift outwards, the memory of that day on the roof seeming to paralyse him as it seeped back into his mind. The words that had been exchanged that day, whether muttered or spoken or shouted, echoed in his mind, a deafening chorus backed by the cacophony of feelings that he could scarcely begin to untangle from each other.
"Like I was right." Hyousuke eventually managed to say. There were a million other things he could have said in place of that, each of them more precise and more insightful. But all of them were blocked by two things. First, he did not trust Julian. The man was inscrutable, and to offer him more information than was necessary to solve the issue at hand threatened to - in Hyousuke's mind - give the man ammunition with which to coerce him into one course of action or another. The man was still an authority figure, after all, no matter who vouched for him.
The second wall was that he did not wish to clue Julian in on the supernatural nature of his problems. It was one thing to lay bare his own feelings, and his own secrets. It was another to risk Ichika and Tsubasa's alter egos to someone that, he thought, would have reported them to the authorities before the day was out. That was assuming Julian even believed all of the supernatural goings-on were real, and not some fever dream or a story intended to waste his time and test his good nature.
Secrecy, then, had to pervade everything he said. A necessary measure, he supposed, but even Hyousuke was aware of the counter-intuitive nature of hiding his issues from a man he had sought out to help solve them.
"I felt like... Like I had to *make* them see I was right. Like they just weren't getting it, and I needed to explain more, or louder, or..." He bit the sentence off before it had a chance to grow beyond his control. He feared that if he kept speaking, he would never stop - and that in itself would cause no end of trouble.
<Pose Tracker> Julian Marlowe has posed.
At least one thing has become staggeringly obvious in the short time they've spoken. There's something more behind this level of discomfort. Julian can start to see it now, between the physical signs, and the spoken words, however few. This worry about what others might think. Is the anger itself truly the problem? Or simply a consequence?
Hyousuke can't even look him in the eyes, having to admit something that he must see as something truly shameful. Even though there would be as little in the way of judgement there as there has been this entire time. Yes, there is definitely a problem here, he thinks. But one that is wholly self-inflicted, and entirely undeserved.
"Hmmm." Again, it's the only sound he makes for a moment. A habit while he gathers his thoughts, or is he doing that on purpose? Perhaps a little of both. A shift in approach may be necessary here. If it is his opinion that Hyousuke worries about, then...
"One question, Suzuki-san," he starts, shifting to a proper honorific to draw attention to the change. He yet sits there calmly, expression unreadable, as he poses the promised question.
"Do you believe me to be perfect?"
Honestly, the reaction or lack thereof doesn't truly matter. He's still getting to the real point. But he does eventually answer it himself, to drive the point home. "I make mistakes. Your friends make mistakes. And so do you." He spreads his arms. "Does it truly matter who is in the right, when no one is qualified to act as infallible judge?"
Julian apparently thinks this is an excellent time to take a moment to have a sip of tea, and set the cup down again before he continues, no more or less calm than before. "I cannot help but be reminded of the famous Socratic Paradox, 'the wise man knows that he knows nothing of consequence'." He chuckles. "Do forgive me, I am still a teacher, after all. Perhaps a more practical example would be more to your liking: if it was truly that important to be correct all the time, why... there would be a lot fewer students passing their exams, would there not?"
Julian inclines his head. "I apologize for prattling on like this. My point is simply... it's okay to make mistakes. Just as it is okay when others make mistakes."
<Pose Tracker> Hyousuke Suzuki has posed.
The question left Hyousuke stunned. Not because he could not think of an answer - he did not believe Julian to be perfect at all. There was still suspicion in every glance, and a hidden meaning behind every piece of information he deigned to grant Julian. Rather, he believed Julian's *facade* to be perfect. Too perfect. An impenetrable mask of calm, an even mind in a school where anyone should have been taking the first chance they could find to leave, a stillness of the body that made it seem like not even reflexive movement happened without his express permission... It felt *wrong.* Like the stillness of night before a predator savaged its prey, or the eerie calm that preceded a storm.
To give voice to such concerns would be difficult at best, however. His face contorted with thought, mind attempting to arrange the maelstrom of feelings and words crowding it in order to make something coherent and diplomatic enough that he could express his feelings, but he could figure nothing out. There was very clearly thought given to how he was supposed to answer Julian - his expression alone made that clear - but his lips remained tight. Tighter than before, in fact. As if he had to make a conscious effort to keep his thoughts sealed away, lest they manifest as ugly words and bellowed feelings.
Like that day on the rooftop.
"It always matters who's right."
That was the answer Hyousuke eventually gave, after a pregnant pause. Julian had long since stopped speaking, and though Hyousuke had heard the other points offered, he could not help but return to that singular point. "A 'mistake' is forgetting your keys, or dropping a cup. What I did..." He clenched his teeth, and the attempt he made to look Julian in the eye as he spoke grew visibly forced. His mind and his muscles screamed at him to look away, trying to rip his gaze down or to the side, but he stubbornly stood his ground against his very instincts.
People got hurt when he got things wrong, Hyousuke wanted to tell Julian. He wanted to stand up, and to tell him that people drowned in stygian waters when he overestimated his own strength. He wanted to burn it into Julian's mind that people's heads were reduced to crimson smears flecked with skull fragments when there was a lapse in judgement. He wanted to jab his finger forward again, and tell Julian that people could burn to death or be crushed beneath rubble, could be torn apart by otherworldly monstrosities, that a single distraction could mean the difference between life and death.
But he could not. All he could do was maintain his secrecy, as he had done so with so many others, Julian included.
"I lost control, and people got hurt because of that. That wasn't a mistake, that was..." Hyousuke didn't know what it was. But to call his bellowing a mistake, his snarling and snapping and pointing and posturing - it felt wrong. "...I hurt people that trusted me. I can't- I can't do that again."
<Pose Tracker> Julian Marlowe has posed.
As practiced as Julian is in staying calm, learned in ways of pragmatic thinking, and trained to carefully observe, one could easily imagine one such as he to be capable of all sorts of devious tricks. There are many who think exactly that, even if there's no direct proof. Hyousuke has noticed it too, there are plenty of reasons to be suspicions. Perhaps his claim that no one is truly qualified to judge what it is right could be considered one more.
Ultimately though, when in counseling sessions, Julian's heart is with the students. All he's trying to do is ease the burden they come to him with.
But in the end, the rumors are untrue. He is not, in fact, a mind reader. And even though he knows full well what Hyousuke can be like when agitated in a fight against the supernatural, he never in a million years would expect that anyone would bring problems that relate to that to him. Not without knowing his alter ego, which he has spoken of to no one.
Without evidence to the contrary, he thus treated the matter as normal teenager problems. Nothing of what was said seemed to be of particularly high concern. Though he does of course mark every detail that he notices in Hyousuke's reaction. He can see that there's more there. But he can also see that Hyousuke is not ready to speak of it. He can't make that happen, and there's a limit to how much he can pry, without doing more harm than good.
"I see," is his simple answer, to it always mattering who's right. He's not going to argue back. Which is perhaps its own way of doubling down on his opinion. Even where it comes to this, it doesn't matter who's right. He doesn't speak again, until Hyousuke finishes speaking, back to his calm, gentle self.
"Suzuki-san. I said it at the beginning, but... the first step is realizing there's a problem. This is not an easy thing you've already managed to acknowledge. Please believe me when I say that you're already well on the road to being the kind of person you'd prefer to be, having come that far. The will to change is a powerful thing. Try to focus on the future, rather than the past. If you can steel your resolve toward the change that you'd like to see, I have faith that you're capable of seeing that through. Nothing of what I've seen today has convinced me otherwise. Alright?"
For the first time, it's Julian who averts his eyes, briefly directing them to his half empty cup. "Sadly, such things may take time. And I realize I don't know everything about you and your circumstances. All I can do is listen to what you tell me, and offer you my perspective."
He looks back to Hyousuke. "I'm loathe to open what are clearly deep wounds. Too much change too quickly is never helpful, besides. I'm going to suggest taking some time to think about we've talked about today, put your thoughts in order. And then, think about what it is you'd like to talk about next time."
Of course, he's counting on there being a next time.
<Pose Tracker> Hyousuke Suzuki has posed.
Hyousuke almost wanted to laugh when Julian assured him that change was not only possible, but happening. It would have been a bitter and hollow laugh, more a way to mock the very idea that he could be anything more than what he was than an expression of genuine amusement, but a laugh nonetheless. However, he had enough sense to restrain it, but hadn't enough restraint to disguise the thin, bitter, smile that laugh manifested as instead. He said nothing, but that - in combination with an uneasy glance away - signalled doubt.
"I'll think about it." Came Hyousuke's reply. Curt and noncommittal, it was difficult to say whether he intended to return to Julian's office or not. Even he could not say for certain, if the hesitant tone he took was anything to be believed. There was no hope to it, no steely determination, no desire to see change whether for good or ill. It was simply a statement that he would consider the matter. "I... need to think about some other things first." Again, he stated the fact, though did not seem to do so with any real relish.
The clink of ceramic sounded out between them - the sound of a mug being placed gingerly back where he had found it. He'd not touched a scone the entire time, and in a turn of events that might have shocked any that knew him, he did not seem inclined to take one either. Hyousuke had no appetite, be it for food or conversation. He was, it seemed, exhausted.
"I need to get going." Hyousuke said, a little morose as he got to his feet. Standing closer to the light, the exhaustion etched into his features might have been more apparent. The distant look the bags underscoring his eyes, even the slight sluggishness of his blinks, all of it spoke of someone who needed to rest.
Whether he had expended that energy with Julian, or had been running on fumes the entire time, he was disinclined to say.