2025-09-07: Don't Punish Yourself
- Log: Don't Punish Yourself
- Cast: Ichika Kawase, Julian Marlowe
- Where: Kasugayama High School - Classroom Building - Counselor's Office
- OOC Date: September 07, 2025
- IC Date: July 07, 2012
- Summary: A venture into Eiji's Palace left Ichika in a poor mental state, and the road to recovery includes a visit to the school counselor. Even if neither suspects the other's presence at the actual event, Julian can piece enough of the matter together to be of some assistance.
(|=============== Kasugayama High School - Classroom Building ================|)
-=============================================== Sumaru City/Hirasaka Ward ====-
Nicknamed "Kasu High" by its students and "Cuss High" by its detractors,
Kasugayama High School's poor reputation is reflected in the dinginess of the
building itself. It's been around since before World War II, as reflected by the
fact that its basement was used as an air raid shelter back then, so many of its
facilities are woefully out of date. Many if not most of its students are
delinquents, and the teachers turn a blind eye to all manner of bad behavior.
Its main three floors contain the school's various classrooms for its three
years of students, who are overwhelmingly boys. The boys wear a one-note teal
uniform with black buttons and a high collar, while the girls wear an equally
unexciting sailor uniform in teal with a black neckerchief and a single white
line on the cuffs and collar.
Though some girls attend, their generally rough nature and the severely unequal
numbers mean many of the male students lament their lack of dating options and
seek out girls from other schools. It has a large gym and a huge track circle
out back, and the roof is a decent place for students to hang out.
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
It's a few hours post-school at this point, even on the half-day that is Saturday. The day is largely clear and nice. Maybe that's why Ichika Kawase skipped classes today.
It wasn't, but it could've been.
She had a visit from a friend, and in turn visited another friend, and finally feels up to getting out into the world a little bit. ...For real, this time.
So it is that Ichika walks the halls of Kasugayama High School now. She's not in uniform, which gets a few raised eyebrows as she walks. Instead, she's in a nice enough blue dress, with some geometric patterns on it. It's ankle-length or so, sleeveless, with flats. Her makeup is as heavy as usual, which mostly conceals her red eyes and the fact that she was crying again earlier.
And...
She knocks on the door of Julian's office. "...Sensei?" She asks, in a hesitant voice. "Do you... have time to talk?"
<Pose Tracker> Julian Marlowe has posed.
Julian did note that Ichika was absent today. He did not for a moment think that had anything to do with the weather. Considering what happened the day before, how could he possibly presume that what they saw there hadn't been a factor? If things are as he suspects, then it would be Ichika who Ogre reports to... and if that reports were particular detailed, it would be little wonder if there would be other things on her mind than school.
Could this have been prevented? Should it have been? Ichika deserves to know the full truth of the matter, though... well, had it been him, he would have at least tried to convey things somewhat delicately. Sometimes he regrets always keeping a measure of distance.
This leaves him with many questions that he has no way to learn the answer to, not yet. Not until such time as he can derive some excuse to talk to Ichika. Or if she comes to see him, of course. Considering her absence, and the fact that it's the weekend, he presumes this may take some time.
For the time being, he busies himself with the leftover paperwork from this week's sessions. It's been rather a busy week on the supernatural side of things, he left quite a bit on the table this time. Best to get things in order before calling it a week, there's enough other unfinished business to worry about. What's a few extra hours when it's for the sake of the students?
He looks up from his laptop, seated at the desk in his office, when there's a knock at the door. He wasn't expecting anybody, but he does tend say 'my door is always open'. If this is a counseling matter then he won't make any fuss.
And when he hears it's Ichika of all people... well, he'd sooner have to reel in his eagerness for still getting a chance to talk to her today. "Kawase-san?" he even foregoes his usual, quirkier mode of address. "Certainly, do come in."
He rises from his desk as she enters, motioning towards the table in front, for once bereft of anything to eat or drink. "Please forgive the lack of amenities this time... this was rather unexpected." Quickly taking his seat at the table, he keeps his tone neutral as he inquires, "What can I do for you?" As if he didn't already have some inkling.
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
It's true that Ogre reports to Ichika... in a manner of speaking. But unfortunately, the news was not delivered delicately.
But sometimes things work out. Ichika is here, and she is relieved when Julian answers. When he says to come in, Ichika opens the door and does so, hesitant; she's not in uniform, as mentioned before, and not in her usual bold kind of clothes, either; a dress like this is practically conventional.
"I don't mind," Ichika says. "I'm... really not hungry anyway."
She moves to take a seat, too. That neutral tone...
"I wanted... to talk," Ichika says.
"I, um... I ran into... that guy, last night. My... my ex-fiance."
"It didn't... go great."
<Pose Tracker> Julian Marlowe has posed.
Julian isn't very aware of Ichika's activities away from school, but it would very much surprise him if this is how she typically dresses. Maintaining an image like the one she has, it's hard to imagine that would end once school's out. Proof positive that she's here as Ichika Kawase, rather than the Thorn Boss. Not that Julian had any reason to doubt that she was showing him her true self before.
That being the case, there's no need for any preamble. Ichika is clearly upset, and the cause is obvious rather immediately. He rather feared it would be about Eiji Kamina. But what seemed to have happened...
"...Last night?" But odd of a first reaction, but he can't help it. The way that parses to him is that, while they were out gallivanting in the Palace, Ichika had an encounter with Eiji in the real world. Could that be because of their actions? Did they make things worse somehow, is Eiji aware of what they were doing? He doesn't know all the particulars of how this all works, it's easy to assume this is somehow related.
But he can't get lost in blaming himself. He quickly self-corrects, continuing to speak in a mostly even tone, though it's hard to keep his obvious concern out of it entirely. "I'm... sorry to hear that. That can't have been pleasant for you, to put it mildly. I would hope that he didn't hurt you, but... your tone tells me otherwise."
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
It's a little more like she used to dress--but not quite that, either. After all, she has the dramatic shadow and dark lipstick that she's come to favor at Kasugayama. But... style is a window, and Ichika just opened a door.
His reaction is a little odd. But Ichika doesn't catch it; she's so caught up in her feelings and it has never remotely occurred to her that Julian could be involved in the supernatural. "Yeah..."
She doesn't elaborate on that part at first. Instead--
"Thanks," Ichika says. "It really wasn't... Um. He didn't... hit me, or anything." Ichika doesn't pretend that her new toughness would inure her to that, for all that he's the reason she started taking self-defense lessons. It's not really... like that.
"I kind of... caused trouble, for the people with me," she explains. "But a friend got me away OK."
She hesitates. "...it kind of brought everything back, you know? How I felt... How I feel."
<Pose Tracker> Julian Marlowe has posed.
It's upsetting to think that he might have some responsibility to bear, but ultimately, Julian has to stay focused on Ichika. He could never fully understand the way she feels, but... that glimpse of Eiji's true nature did add a lot of additional context. It's a way of thinking wholly alien to him. And one that he felt forced to play along with. No matter the reason, the bad taste is still fresh. It's all the stronger for it when seeing the effect on Ichika. And when she starts to talk about it...
Well, all told, he wasn't expecting the violence to be of a physical nature. But he doesn't really get much of the picture, because... Ichika turns it around on herself. Something that he's noticed her doing a lot. Eiji was saying who-knows-what to her, and she's calling her following actions 'causing trouble'.
"...Whatever you may have done, you were acting on the way he made you feel in that moment, weren't you? None of the blame for that falls on you, if the people with you were fully aware of the circumstances then I'm certain they'd feel the same."
He can't help but ponder the similarity there, only serving to underscore the possibility that events in the Palace create a parallel in real life. Off-base as that may be, what he said is what he would believe is true for both situations.
"I may have said this before, but what you feel is beyond your control. While I would never claim there is a 'wrong way' to feel, there are harmful ways. ...I suppose what I'm trying to say is, don't punish yourself for what isn't your fault, Kawase-san." He folds his hands on the table, considering what may be a helpful next step to take.
"Perhaps... if you were to carefully consider his exact words to you, focusing on what most upset you, it would become easier to see how unfair his treatment of you has been. To put it another way... if you consider his words as the weapons he's used against you, you can begin to muster a defense against them."
Maybe the mask is slipping a little. There was never any question that he was on Ichika's side, of course, but he isn't giving Eiji the benefit of the doubt at all. There's no way he could, after what he's seen.
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
Ichika doesn't know of this conflict, but she does know her own. And she does keep turning it around on herself, even though she 'should' know better; it's hard not to. Still....
"Maybe," Ichika allows of the other people. "But I still feel stupid. I did what he wanted me to do. I build myself up as separate now, but..."
There are a lot of similarities Ichika might not mention, if she realized Julian had been there. But, she doesn't.
"...Punishing myself, huh?" she asks. "Yeah... I guess you're right. I'm just doing his work for him."
"...Weapons," Ichika says. "Maybe that's..."
"You really believe me, huh?" Ichika says then, and smiles faintly. "I... I'm not used to that, from adults. My parents, of course. But... The police always told me that since the evidence was lost, I didn't have a case. Or that it would be worse for me, if I fought it."
"...OK," she says. "He said something about... discipline. How he was just disciplining me."
"And he said... he might've gone easier, if I'd... if I'd been... having a boy." Even repeating that part is hard for Ichika. She bites her lip again. "I was due in February," she says quietly. "...And I... lost her... in August."
<Pose Tracker> Julian Marlowe has posed.
If nothing else, Julian can be counted on to remain calm. Objective, absolutely not, especially not in this case. But even his reprimands are gentle. It's exactly because he knows how easy it is to start blaming yourself. He's doing that even now, despite how much it pains him to see it in others. Especially now that he's fully aware where the blame in this particular case lies.
However, he still remains calm, smiling serenely in the face of Ichika's self-deprecation. "I understand. Who among us isn't guilty of feeling stupid, about what we did in the moment? You'd have to be exceptionally vain to not be the slightest bit remorseful, in regards to things that we could have done better in hindsight. One cannot put the focus on the past, however. Life is always moving forward, as should we."
It's not difficult to think of what to say, when it's advice you could apply to yourself.
He prompts her a bit further, and then...
You really believe me, huh?
A chuckle escapes Julian, a hand coming up to adjust his monocle. "Well, yes, I had rather hoped that would be obvious." The faint smile fades, as Ichika relates why that may have been less obvious than he hoped. "Ah... sadly a tale I've heard more often, and highly suspect to be the case for many others." Tsubasa Seki comes to mind. "Much as I'm loathe to lambast my own place of employment, I imagine that Kasugayama's reputation is not exactly in point in favor, where it comes to assistance from the law."
"It's... part of the reason I chose to come here," Julian admits, in a rare showing of sharing his personal motivations. Considering who he's talking to, he's sure Ichika will get it. "The students of this school take care of themselves, because no one else will. It's impressive, but... I do think it's a sad state of affairs." So he does what little he can.
Though, when Ichika mentions 'discipline', his face falls. He can't help it - those are the exact words of Eiji's Shadow! What on earth is going on?
At least this is easy to mask as shock that anyone would say such a thing. "I... I don't know what to say, that is a terrible thing to say. A relationship is not about discipline, it should be a matter of mutual respect! To use that as some kind of excuse is..."
...These are the things he would have preferred to say yesterday, if he'd felt he had the luxury of honesty. He briefly considers that this may be the wrong person to say them to, but... no. Ichika needs to hear this too, he thinks.
"...This is exactly what I mean when I say that words can be a weapon. Insist upon one's own narrative as if it were self-evident truth strongly enough, and others may be convinced it actually is true." A parallel to Sumaru's prevailing culture - which likely also has done more harm than good.
"He's lied to you," he finally just says it straight out. "Nothing you could have done would have made a difference, because ultimately, it was always just about him. I'm... so very sorry that this was the way you found out."
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
Julian's calm is something of a rock for Ichika in the moment. After all, he gets this much. When he puts it that way, it's easier to forgive. "...Right," Ichika says. "Forward. That's hard, is all. When my past keeps coming back."
Obvious. Ichika laughs faintly in return. She still can't believe he wears a monocle for real. "Yeah," Ichika says. "We do... but it's because so many people have given up on us that we have to. It's not... how things should be."
His face falls, but Ichika still doesn't understand. Instead she just assumes--it's a terrible thing to say. "That's what I think," Ichika says quietly. "...I mean, I know... I know what they say about me, because I see a lot of boys. But none of them make me feel like he did."
But words? "Oh..." So because he insists so hard, she still believes it.
"I..." He's lied. Ichika bites her lip, hard enough that it goes white. "I..." She thought she was done with them, but tears well back up in her eyes again. "Yeah," she answers. "...Because..." % r
"Because it's his fault."
She leans forward and down. "I want..."
"I want to go forward. But I don't want to forget."
"...I've, um..."
"I've been trying to think ahead, to the future more. It's kinda hard, but... I can sort of... see places to go, now. When I couldn't before."
<Pose Tracker> Julian Marlowe has posed.
If Julian was any less disciplined, he might laugh, instead of just nodding in understanding. Oh, the stories he could tell about the past coming back. He can only hope he's put it firmly behind him, this time. It's a very fragile hope. He can't reinforce his own, but he hopes he'll manage to do it for others.
As much as he had to change about himself, though... there's nothing fake about his tastes, as presented. He just likes monocles, for real! It doesn't even do anything for eyesight, it's simply what he likes. Julian is very old-fashioned.
Even his ideas of responsibility may be a little old-fashioned - it feels to him like they are, given what he's seen at the school. But that doesn't mean he doesn't still believe in it. He'll take that responsibility even if no one else will. So while he can't speak for anyone else...
"Well, I will promise you this. I won't give up. Not without a fight - if they don't like what I do here, let's just say that I would not go quietly." His slightly enigmatic smile might go better with his alter-ego, but he's being perfectly honest. This is what he wants to do, he won't let his current life slip if he has anything to say about it.
Though as confident as he could speak there, he seems to change his mind halfway to opening his mouth to say anything about Ichika and the boys she sees. He can't think of anything to say there that won't feel awkward.
He'll stick to what he can feel properly indignant about, which... well he didn't want to make Ichika cry, of course, but sometimes tears happen whether we like it or not.
"...No one is asking you to forget. You just can't let it rule over you. If you're able to put it aside enough to start looking to the future, I'd say you've already got a good start on the road to recovery. And what you said just now, that was an important step. Putting the blame where it truly belongs. As long as you're able to do that, then even when directly confronted, he'll have no power over you."
...It's his job to sound professional, but he still can't help but feel like he's reciting a textbook sometimes. It's just... not enough. He'll need to tread carefully though, about helping in... the other way. The whole point is to reduce Ichika's suffering, not cause her even more, accidentally or not.
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
Ichika doesn't mind a little old-fashioned. Certain ideas work for her--responsibility among them. But...
"OK," Ichika answers when Julian says he won't give up. "...Thanks. It's nice, that.. you don't. That you'll do what you can." She doesn't mind an enigma; he's a mysterious foreign adult, after all, and even if she's come to trust him, he's still a mystery to her.
But he doesn't say anything about... that part, and that's fine. Ichika just wants to think she has something on mutual respect, too.
"Mm," Ichika says. "Yeah." Letting it rule over... "I'm not sure that's true yet," Ichika says. "He has... a lot of power over me, still. I'm really scared of that."
"But I am trying," she says. "Maybe I could tell you a little about... What I've been looking into?"
"I met this reporter..."
<Pose Tracker> Julian Marlowe has posed.
"Absolutely," he reaffirms, to doing what he can. More than you know, he thinks. And quietly vows that next time will be different. He wouldn't say it of course, but in his estimation, Eiji is unlikely to stop his harassment without being 'convinced' otherwise. Let him think he's won for now. When his guard is down, and they have a proper plan for dealing with his Palace... they'll ensure that Ichika will be able to move on without being obstructed like this.
"Such things come with time," is what he says aloud, which is still true. Maybe if Eiji was any normal guy, time is all it would take to break away from his hold. But if the Palace was any indication... well, enough thinking about that, for now. The time will come.
"Trying is all anyone could ask of you," he agrees, his eyes lighting up when a new topic is broached. Considering the context, this reporter has something to do with Ichika's plans for the future, not something's been discussed before. It seems the dreary part of the conversation is over for now - which is Ichika's call to make. He's always ready to listen, regardless of the topic.
"Indeed? I'm all ears."