2025-10-04: Owning Yourself
- Log: Owning Yourself
- Cast: Myunghon Yeo, Ichika Kawase
- Where: Izakaya Shiraishi, Hirasaka Ward
- OOC Date: October 04, 2025
- IC Date: July 21, 2012
- Summary: Ichika speaks with Myunghon at Ma'am's haunt about matters of intimacy and the relationships in both of their lives.
<Pose Tracker> Myunghon Yeo has posed.
Receiving a text earlier, Myunghon has agreed to go speak with Ichika down at Izakaya Shirashi; they do come here to talk with Rumourmonger Toku once in a while, but it seems that they've missed the man. Ma'am is also one of the people who they've confided their issues to and has figured out... one dish that they do like eating that is of reasonable caloric intake, which they're taking as an incredible, huge success.
This is why there's a plate of boiled konjaku, beansprouts, cucumbers and celery cut Chinese-style with a Mystery Sauce that Myunghon mysteriously doesn't mind one bit, which has a bold purple colour and looks cursed as hell but is apparently delicious to them. It tastes like absolute garbage to most anyone else with an actual palate, though.
What's the secret sauce?
Ma'am isn't telling. Myunghon is also sworn to secrecy. It's not a particularly private restaurant to speak in, technically -- there aren't any booth seats or anything, but Ma'am seems just REALLY good at making sure her wok is sizzling when intimate topics come up and people actually like talking here.
"Ah, Kawase-kun," they wave as they spot Ichika. They're dressed in a white coat this time, with a pale gold sweater with the Koala Pin placed on the collar buttonhole of the coat. A brown A-line skirt and black leggings finish their attire, along with black Mary Janes. "It appears I came just ahead of you."
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
Ichika likes it here. She has to get out of town before the after-work crowd comes in, generally, since she can't drink here... But Ma'am is super cool, and her food is very good. Ichika admires her.
But today, she's here with some dumplings instead of her usual banana ramen. She waves over at Myunghon as they arrive, taking in the outfit. The koala pin...
"I really like your pin," Ichika comments first. She's dressed in more casual attire for today, her crop top and cargo pants pretty good against the heat outside.
"Hi, Yeo-san. How're you feeling?" Ichika is... a little subdued, today. She has a lot on her mind.
<Pose Tracker> Myunghon Yeo has posed.
Myunghon's dressing femme today. They have a complicated relationship with that, but... they are nice, if not new clothes, very well tailored to them in the way they fit around their body. They too admire Ma'am quite a lot -- an international woman of mystery, with a thousand faces... she too is a high level individual that asserts reality around herself, not the other way around.
"Do you like it? It's Yanagi's work. I'm very enamored with her craft. If you haven't yet, she works over at the Peacock Silk... I've--" Myunghon pauses, glancing aside with some embarrassment. "I've been quite enamored with a lot of the people there. It reminds me a lot of my university days..."
How're they feeling? Myunghon does notice Ichika's subdued expression, and lowers their head as they say, "I... mm. There has been a lot on my mind... some very complicated matters happened, and we had an argument. I've largely made up by now, but I do feel a little tender still."
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
Ichika noticed the femme look; Myunghon might've caught Ichika's surprise, or might not. Either way...
"I met her, but we didn't talk much," Ichika says of Yanagi. The people there... Ichika smiles at that. "They're pretty cool," she agrees. Then, a little less cheerfully, "Tsubasa-kun seems to really like the owner..."
Pause. "Also, there's a peacock."
But Ichika listens. "Oh?" she wonders. "I bet some of it's stuff we're sharing," she says. Then, "...You want to talk about it?" she asks. "Or skip it, since you feel tender?"
Pause. "...Well, you might not want to reveal that stuff to me anyway..."
A pause. "...I uh."
"I also had a lot going," she says. "...I broke up with my boyfriend," she offers. "And then all this started happening, too."
<Pose Tracker> Myunghon Yeo has posed.
Myunghon does nod, albeit more hesitantly -- "... mm. Tsumugi is... really special," they say in sotto voce, though the sizzling of the grill just seems to die down at that point, as if to let that be heard. "I met them first, and asked them if they had experiences creating binders, knowing Tsubasa-kun was still wearing bandages... but they seem really pleased with the new binder they obtained."
Ichika bets it's some of the stuff they're sharing -- they hesitate for a moment, but nods... but Ichika first confides that she broke up with her boyfriend. "... I've-- mm. That does sound very difficult... I do not possess any experience with breakups, but I was..." They hesitate, suddenly realising they're extremely ill-equipped to speak about this, and they're suddenly very mindful of the age gap, but Ichika does have more experience than them.
"I've had a... whirlwind of a time with intimacy. I confessed my feelings to..." They glance around with that one eye of theirs. "I realised I was attracted to Shinobu-ssi, but she was unable to return my feelings... she didn't feel she could stick with a long-term relationship. ... that left me quite devastated for a time. I cry a lot, even after I run out of tears. It makes me feel particularly weak and vulnerable. And that just led to... more complicated matters..."
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
Really special. Ichika smiles. "Yeah?" she wonders, They met them first... And, "Oh, yeah?" she asks. "...Yes. They really like it. I'm glad they have it. It helps a lot."
No experience with breakups? Ichika doesn't mind the age gap too much; just talking about it is something she kind of needs to do sometimes. But Myunghon explains...
"Oh," she says. "That's rough... Rejection sucks." She winces, at that explanation. "That's actually... really similar to what happened with me," she admits.
"...Crying about it's OK, I think. I did. I still do. It's normal to be vulnerable about stuff like this, because putting your heart out there is as vulnerable as you can get."
She explains, "...So, it wasn't super serious, with Mahiro-kun. We were both still hooking up with other people sometimes... but mostly because I didn't want it to be serious. He always wanted me to be... his girl, you know? But I kept him at a distance. And eventually I realized... it wasn't fair, when he wanted something more, and I... didn't."
"Well, part of me did. But I feel like... If I get a guy who just wants to rescue me, then I won't grow. I could really come to rely on him... too much. And there's this other guy I'm feeling... a little more equal with, even if... I'm not sure he'll ask me out. Anyway..."
"I get it. ...I think it might've been kinder of her not to lead you on, even if it hurt. I... I was really awful, like that."
A look down. "But what kind of complications?" she asks. "If I can ask."
<Pose Tracker> Myunghon Yeo has posed.
Myunghon eats some beansprouts with Grimace Sauce. It's really good. They can't get enough. When the truth of what was in it was revealed to them, they felt like humanity will never ever be the same again to them -- and this is only something Ma'am can possibly prepare.
Ichika is less hard on crying than Myunghon is; Myunghon often associates the lack of control with vulnerability and weakness, and in a way, it is -- but vulnerability doesn't necessarily need to be negative. "... I did circle back to how easy it is to say that you always miss the shots you do not take, but -- it doesn't make missing any harder."
Ichika explains her situation. It isn't super serious with Mahiro-kun, they were hooking up with other people sometimes -- and Myunghon's eye widens as Ichika notes they clearly have something in mind in those complications that's rather related to it. But it's Ichika that didn't want it to be serious... he wanted something more, but she didn't.
Then there's those words again, the ones Ichika said last time. That she can't stand on her own two feet if she gets a guy who wants to come rescue her. All of this feels surprisingly, intimately relevant to Myunghon, and it takes them a long moment to even consider where to start. They grimace into their Grimace Sauce.
"I was-- um, well, I hadn't had any experience in-- intimacy until just last week," Myunghon admits. "And what you said about being serious... I feel I've been experiencing that plenty, with people who don't want to become... weighed down by a long-term relationship, so much so it makes me wonder if I'm the strange one, being so surrounded by people who only want it casual."
A pause, as they shake their head, realising their words are sloppy. "I-- that wasn't a go at you, Kawase-kun. But I had a very long day the other week, and I returned home late, and Tsumugi came to see me, that owner of the Peacock Silk, and every time I've spoken with them."
There's something of a wistful, tender sigh. "I feel enthralled. They have such a way with words, and it feels as if they intimately know something about me even I don't. The way they visited me at hospital and spirited me away..." They do rather resemble a love-struck teenager for a moment. "But..."
Myunghon bites their lip, returning to reality, looking rather glum. "I forgot myself, and I... well, talk led to one thing and another, and we-- well, I did..." They really, really don't have the words for this. It's so difficult! How do you speak about this?! "I feel very conflicted about my first time feeling awful, like there's a gnawing doubt in my stomach, and no small amount of regret in my heart... and then Shinobu-ssi found me the next morning and that made me feel doubly awful about it."
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
Ichika looks at it. "...Yeo-san," she wonders, "What... is that?"
But they're talking about something serious, so she won't dwell. Instead... "That's true," Ichika says. "...It's easier when you're a girl," she admits. "Since guys will mostly ask you out, instead of the other way around. It's gotta be harder for you."
Not that there's not difficulties with a more passive approach--but still.
Ichika notes without judgement that it was just last week; she isn't going to judge about that, for better or worse. "Hmm..."
"I don't think you're strange," Ichika says. "It's normal to want a relationship, instead of just sex." A smile, and she shakes her head. "I don't mind," she says. "...I really don't."
Enthralled... Hmmm... Yes, that is love-struck all right.
"Honestly?" Ichika says. "...It's kinda normal. A 'first time' is usually kind of awkward... And that's even worse, your crush finding you the next morning."
A sigh. "Well, the thing to remember is... It's just what it is. It doesn't taint you, or change you, or anything like that. If you regret it, that sucks, but you haven't... given something away you can't get back. But at the same time... You get so close to someone, you feel like... you understand them, and they understand you. And it's really hard to lose that, to feel like it was more important to you than it was to them."
A pause. "...For me," she says, "I actually kind of... do want a real relationship? If I'm being honest. I'm just... scared."
"I'm scared I'll be trapped like I was with Eiji. So, it's easier to just... have a few casual things going. To have friends who I can sleep with, instead of serious romance. But for me, it's about getting to know someone. Seeing the things they don't show everyone. You know?"
<Pose Tracker> Myunghon Yeo has posed.
"Oh... I-- have some difficulties eating, but Ma'am understood and has a dish that I do enjoy." Why is it radioactive purple, though??
Ichika does admit it's easier when one's a girl, since guys tend to ask you out, not the other way around. Myunghon does quietly sigh, at the same time relieved that Ichika isn't parsing them as a girl, but at the same time... "I feel as if I have not made that much progress to wherever it is I wish to go at times... I still dress like this because I like it, I still feel deeply uncomfortable in the same way in some public spaces in the exact same way, such as-- preferring the women-only cars because public transit is scary."
But that's a different kind of lament.
It's not strange to want a relationship, rather than just sex. They don't mind. And... it's normal, actually, to have an awkward first-time... not to mention getting found out by yoru crush. But the way Ichika conveys it does make Myunghon's eye widen slightly. It's all couched in... they haven't made a mistake, they haven't been changed forever, the way Myunghon's definitely spent some nights feeling like they have, something irrevocable and grim.
"... it's because I understand, and I understand they value their freedoms very highly... I even discovered, somewhat in a roundabout way, they are in an open relationship, not unlike the one you described," Myunghon admits, embarrassed. "... I felt like a fool child not knowing the open world before me."
But Ichika also confides that -- she also wants a real relationship? She's just... scared. Myunghon does nod a few times, fixated. Her instincts are good -- they are going through the same thing. But she's scared she'll be trapped like with Eiji -- and they can already feel how much that cuts, knowing what went down in that Palace. It's just easier to keep it casual...
"... that does make sense. To be honest, up until just recently, I'd convinced myself that such things were... dead to me. You see how I am. I often convinced myself I was a corpse walking. It isn't pleasant to look at, what's under the bandages. But now I feel even more foolish for convincing myself that I do deserve these things still..."
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
"Oh," Ichika says, and eyes the radioactive purple again. "Cool. She's really good at putting together ingredients you might not think would work, but super do."
Still... "Hmm," Ichika says. "That's rough." She only understands Myunghon's gender from the outside; she's seen X-Gender people, loves at least one dearly, but... Doesn't have that same experience. "That kinda makes sense. I hope you get there."
It's very different! And...
Ichika has had all the arguments made to her; that she's a dirty slut, that she isn't fit for being around 'good girls'. But she's sure, at least, of this much.
"Oh!" Ichika says, surprised. "...No, that kind of thing... most people don't know it."
But Ichika admits a truth few people know. "...Yeo-san."
"It's one thing if you don't want that stuff. But as long as you're alive... you're alive. You deserve the chance to pursue love, too. It hurts, when it doesn't work out. ...But..."
"I admit, I don't think I'd have gotten by this long without it."
"You're not foolish. You just... still have a heart. And that's OK."
"I think it's a good heart. ...You're really kind to all of us. To Tsubasa-kun, and to me."
<Pose Tracker> Myunghon Yeo has posed.
Myunghon probably could use a peer to talk gender with, and indeed, it feels in a way that Tsumugi could be that person... if they ever ended up talking gender with them anyway. They're definitely unmoored, only certain for reasons they feel are less and more valid that they don't want to be a girl... but they don't want to be a guy either... and they tend to hate titles, since that's tied into Myorei as a person and how they exist in the medical system... it's complicated!!
If only things could exist in a vacuum sometimes.
Myunghon can only imagine what people've said to Ichika -- they're no stranger of how people have very strong, awful opinions of how they shouldn't own their bodies, after all, growing up. "I don't think I'll distance myself from them... I still do think they are interested in me, perhaps just... not in the way I want them to be interested in me. It feels an unusual situation to be in."
But Ichika is quite kind about their body and heart as well -- so long as you're alive...
And that was the crux of Tsumugi asked, wasn't it? 'Are you truly alive, Myunghon Yeo?' With a fingertip placed upon their chin, they rekindled a flame they thought long dead. They too deserve the chance to pursue love. And it'll hurt, when it doesn't work out, but...
"Hmm..." Myunghon has a quiet, bashful smile. "Hearing it from you like that, Kawase-kun, I feel like I might start to understand the other side of what it means to take that chance, rather than hiding away from it forever."
They're not foolish. They just have a heart, like anyone else, a heart that wants things, and can be hurt, and feels confusion... and that'll be okay too.
There's a fond smile as Ichika says they've been kind to them -- to Ichika, to Tsubasa. "... it's like when we were talking on the balcony. We're forgotten people, and I feel it's only right that we look after each other -- just like... how you're looking after me now, on these matters, since I'm so inexperienced with them. I must've been a zombie, with how I passed through high school and university both hardly paying attention to these topics... there was only one time in university I ever drew close to someone and..."
They shake their head. "She's no longer with us now, and I left that relationship with a bitter argument. So I've been very aware of not leaving things unsaid, lately."
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
it would be easier, that way.
"I think so," Ichika agrees about it being unusual. "But stick up for what you want, too. ...If you're OK with getting some of what you want instead of all of it, that's cool... But don't twist yourself up because you think it's better than nothing. That's what I think, anyway."
A smile back. Ichika nods. "I'm glad," Ichika says. "It..." She looks down. "I've been hurt a lot," she admits. "Not just Eiji. There's other boys who want to push girls around. ...But when I get that moment, when it's just me and him and the world is so far away..." Ichika sighs. "It's hard to let go."
She looks back to Myunghon. "...Sorry if that's too much," she says, a little embarrassed to be quite so open. But instead, she dwells on the matter of forgotten people. "Well, I have more experience than most girls," Ichika says. "...That way, but also in terms of... how things can go bad. It's not unusual to focus on your studies or whatever. I probably should more."
She winces, though. "I'm sorry," Ichika says. "That's... hard."
She has some experience with things left unsaid, too. ...But she doesn't bring that up just yet; she's okay, there. For now.
<Pose Tracker> Myunghon Yeo has posed.
Hmmmm.
It can be okay to just get part of what you want, not all... but also not adopt the mindset that it's better than nothing. What a fascinating way to look at it. Both Yanagi and Ichika have had mindsets that Myunghon likely wouldn't have ever had the capability or courage to obtain at any point in their life. "... I'll have to talk with them again, first of all," Myunghon chuckles. "It's been a bit awkward... I've been putting it off a little, for obvious reasons. But... that is a nice way of viewing things. I think you have a very wise and healthy way of looking at a lot of these things, Kawase-kun."
But that smile fades a bit when Ichika admits they've been hurt a lot. Not just Eiji. Other boys want to push girls around too. Myunghon does sigh rather faintly. "... I feel I don't have any shortage of that. This dislocated shoulder's still a painful reminder of that..." they shiver gently, before shaking their head. "It's hard to not continue to be haunted, isn't it... but neither can we let it completely control us."
Myunghon shakes their head, though, on the apology. "No, no... we are being quite heartfelt right now. I think it has been quite-- positive." Ichika's experience on how things can go bad... "Um... would it be all right to confide in you further, if things do..." They hesitate. "Go bad. I feel as if I can barely navigate these waters."
But they did bring up their university flame, and...
"... it is. And it's Apathy Syndrome, too, so they... I did visit Mei at the hospital late last year. I still don't know how to handle it... and the media isn't particularly kind about it either. Knowing that someone still breathes, but isn't really there to speak with you anymore."
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
"Oh, that's important," Ichika says. "You can't do much if you can't talk to them." Awkward... yes. Ichika hears that her way is wise and healthy though, and smiles. It's a little rueful. "I decided... I would never feel like I did back then again. That I'd own 'myself', and wouldn't be held down. ...I think I'm almost ready to be 'someone's' again, maybe, but... I won't settle for less than what I want, either way."
She does admit that; it's true, in her experience. "You get it a lot when you see a lot of boys," Ichika explains. "...It's why I started just keeping a couple friends for it, instead of going out to parties and all. It's safer that way." Pause. "...You do. I'm sorry, Yeo-san."
"But you're right. We have to live our lives."
Heartfelt... "I'm glad," Ichika says. "It's... good, to be able to talk about this stuff." A smile, then. "Sure," Ichika says, looking up from her food again. "You can. I have experience with this kind of thing, so... If I can help, I want to."
"Apathy Syndrome." Ichika shakes her head. "...My parents live in Iwatodai. I've seen it a lot. ...And I don't know how I'd handle it, either."
"...The media..."
"The world isn't always very kind," Ichika finds. "...So let's be kind to each other. That's what we decided, right?"
<Pose Tracker> Myunghon Yeo has posed.
Perhaps the root of self-confidence *is* in the deceptively simple concept of owning yourself. (Myunghon is really good at owning themself, yes, but no, not in that way, no, because this is a joke that just writes itself.) Myunghon is extremely, badly prone to thinking of everything 'good' as being the result of the masking they wear, after all -- the kindness, the connections they have with people, their knowledge... and only the 'bad' as the true core of what they are inside. Your psyche doesn't survive thinking that a thousand times a day.
"To be 'someone's'..." Myunghon imagines how that might be. "I was thinking of those words earlier. How I do... wish to be rescued, sometimes. I do think I am at a point where I would like to lean on someone, because trying to pretend I can always stand on my own two feet on many fronts is difficult..."
But to be 'someone's' does remind them of Mei and how forcefully possessive she can be. Even if rationally they know she was at the worst of her moods. ... it's difficult. It's a relationship of give and take. It can't survive only one way or another.
"It might be surprising, but I was a popular... girl... in high school, but I'm not sure I ever really understood how to react to it, despite being Student Council President," Myunghon is bashful to admit. "... the more I think about it, the more I really felt like I was sleepwalking through life for so much of my teenage years. Perhaps that's why I am reeling, just now catching up to everything I missed."
Ichika agrees to be a confidant if Myunghon runs into trouble again, and they gently nod with a bigger smile. "... mm," they nod, on the topic of being kind to each other. "And speaking of that -- I'd like to treat you to a meal this time. Please, it's on me."
<Pose Tracker> Ichika Kawase has posed.
It's not perfect; Ichika has pretty low self-esteem on a lot of fronts. ...But on this front, she's confident and sure of herself for what she's fought to have. ...Though at her worst, she has some pretty dark things to say to herself, too.
"That's cool," Ichika says. "...Nobody really does everything alone. I just... wnat to make sure I'm doing my part," she says. "If that makes sense. ...You already know you are, so having someone to lean on is... good. Right? ...Mmm, I'm not sure that's quite it. But either way, I think everybody deserves to have someone to lean on."
It really can't be one way or the other and be healthy.
"Oh?" Ichika wonders. Then, hmm. "I mean, being popular... It's kind of arbitrary a little," she admits. "I was 'popular' when I was with Eiji. But it went away easy, too." She stops. "But that... I could see that. I know a lot of people who just seem to... go about their lives, without really thinking..."
"I guess I'm too in my own head for that."
But she smiles back. "Sure," Ichika says. "I'll accept that. Thank you."
<Pose Tracker> Myunghon Yeo has posed.
No one's perfect, and yet what they present to others can be incredibly inspiring. Even if Myunghon has trouble believing that about themself, the relationship they've built with those around them in Hirasaka must be a testament to that, in the way Ichika is giving them a lot of food to chew on with regards to how they should view themself, their body, and their relation to others.
"... I think so. I was leaning too far the other way... as you said, having to realise I deserved to be loved and have a chance at all of it too," Myunghon does reflect. But popularity is arbitrary, and Myunghon does know that for a fact. People who just go on about their lives, without really thinking...
... they wonder if they were thinking or not, when they hurt Mei on that day they parted. Was that the start of them thinking for themself, or were they still largely wrapped up in their father's business too?
"That makes two of us now, certainly. A thousand thoughts a minute, without end, going faster than light..." Myunghon chuckles.
They return to their meal, happily chatting away about other topics -- it's always pleasant to be eating Ma'am's cooking. If only they could bottle up more of it and take it home, they'd even pay a premium... but Ma'am warned them that the secret ingredient doesn't last for more than an hour.
... what the hell does that mean???